I’m up to chapter twelve in Instructing a Child’s Heart (the chapter entitled: “Getting from Behavior to the Heart”), and what a helpful and instructive chapter it is! The Tripps sum up the importance of getting to the heart from the outset when they write: “We are tempted to focus on the behavior that requires correction, rather than the heart issues that are the source of bad behavior” (147). Isn’t that true! There seems to be a gravitational pull in my parenting always pulling me away from addressing the heart and towards addressing mere behavior alone. We certainly must address behavior, but I seem to drift incessantly away from the source – the heart.
I trust you can relate to me to some degree, so let’s benefit afresh from their “Behaviorism Evaluated” section. As they point out, behaviorism is when we deal with a child’s behavior but not the source, not the heart. We might be temped to think or say “don’t knock it, it works” (148), but the Tripps lay out the case against the behaviorism very powerfully in the following points (149-150):
- Behaviorism does not address the real need of our children: Since “out of the overflow of the heart” our mouths speak (Luke 6.45), addressing behavior without addressing the heart is like “trying to solve the problem of weeds in the yard by using a lawn mower.” In other words, it really won’t work; it won’t produce lasting change.
- Behaviorism provides our children with a false basis for ethics: The ethical basis for behaviorism is merely pragmatic; the biblical basis is “the being, existence, and glory of God.”
- Behaviorism trains the heart in wrong paths: “[W]hatever is used to constrain the behavior trains the hearts of our children. When a child is manipulated through shame, he learns to response to shame.”
- Behaviorism obscures the message of the gospel: We will inevitably fail to lead our children to the solution to the source of their bad behavior – the hope and help of the gospel! They need to see that they need a Savior, not just for forgiveness (which is huge), but also for the power for real change.
- Behaviorism shows the parent’s idols: Our own motivations are getting revealed if we are merely concerned about a change in outward behavior versus real and lasting change in our children that comes from within.
For all those reasons, let us seek to resist the gravitational pull towards addressing mere behavior and make sure we get to the heart. To do that, the Tripps remind us to ask good questions (like those on pp. 152-153). Questions keep us, they note, from making accusations and lead our children into making self-assessments. Asking good questions is certainly a skill that is developed over time, but one we can and should develop. If this is difficult for you, ask a parent who does this well what they do. You can also post a comment here if you have a follow-up question or comment; I’d love to hear from you or help you in any way that I can.
So grateful that we get to pursue this holy task together – getting to the hearts of our children with the help of our friends in the context of the local church!
Grateful for you – Tab
