We’re up to chapter 5 in Instructing a Child’s Heart, entitled, “Getting to the Heart of Behavior.” Lots of good stuff in this chapter; it’s a loaded one and certainly worthy of review! To break it a down a bit, let’s ask three questions to summarize what we learn here.
What is the heart?
The heart in Scripture essentially involves our thoughts and desires. It’s what we’re thinking and desiring, believing and being motivated by in any and every situation. Our hearts are always at work worshipping something or someone (or Someone!) every moment of our lives.
Why is the heart important?
The Tripps helpfully remind us of Proverbs 4.23 to show us the heart’s importance: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The heart is this wellspring because, as they note, “Our behavior flows from the heart – it isn’t caused by circumstances or other people.” Note what they say there: our behavior is NOT caused by circumstances or other people! That’s a crucial point to understand. We can tend to say, “You made me angry,” but that’s another way of saying, “You caused me to be sinfully angry.” Certainly that other person may have provided a temptation for us to sin in anger, but Scripture clearly teaches that our sinful anger was caused by our hearts – what we were thinking, wanting, believing, craving, or desiring in that moment (see Luke 6.45).
The reason we must bear this in mind is the fact that in parenting it’s very (very, very, very!) easy to focus on behavior rather than on the source of behavior, the heart. Which of us doesn’t want the behavior to change? I want my children’s behavior to change, which it often needs to do. But the Tripps helpfully remind us that if we’re only shooting for behavioral change, then we’re shooting far too low: “We may secure appropriate behavior of our children for the moment through behaviorism (just focusing on curbing the outward behavior), but eventually that behavior will revert to the most natural expression of the abundance of the heart” (p. 56).
Let me give you an illustration from this past Monday. I was giving my dear bride some extended time to herself (which I try to do every day off – I would encourage this practice dads!) and decided to take the kids to the park. Into the van we go, when my six year old asks if we’re going to the “big park” (off of N. Aurora Rd.), and I replied that I was taking them to the park by the Riverwalk (since I anticipated us walking around downtown Naperville as well). He began to complain about this, and I warned him that if he persisted in his complaints I would need to discipline him. Quite frankly, my only concern was his behavior. I didn’t want to hear his complaining in that moment, so I reminded him of the consequence he would receive if he continued to complain.
As I began driving away I began to see what a poor job of correction and instruction that had been. I was not instructing him with any reference to God’s word, and I was not helping him turn from his complaining in his heart! Mr. Behaviorist was at work, getting his way briefly but failing to effectively instruct my son. By grace, I thought to ask him what Phil. 2.14 says (and with a little prompting, he remembered; “Do all things without grumbling or questioning.”) After reminding him that God doesn’t want him to complain, I asked what he should have instead of a grumbling heart. He got my point and said, “A grateful heart” – and then we talked about what we could give thanks for in that moment (like Daddy taking us to the park!). He then confessed his sin and thanked me for taking him to the park (I could have done much more here by way of thankfulness as well).
Very simple example at a six year old’s level, but I hope that’s a helpful example. I immediately wanted the behavior to change, not his heart. That doesn’t mean that discipline wouldn’t have been warranted if he continued to complain. It just means that, with any appropriate discipline, I also needed to instruct him – and instruct him at a heart level! Which leads to one more question…
How do we correct with the heart in mind?
Having the heart in view should do two things for us: remind us to point our children to the gospel (for the grace that brings a true heart change – see p. 59), and remind us to correct our children humbly since we too have sinful hearts (see pp. 61-21). I could have done a better job of correcting my son if I had used that opportunity to point him to his need for the Savior – Jesus’ purifying grace and his empowering grace in particular. Keeping the heart in mind will help me do that next time. And, in correcting him, I should have reminded myself that I too complain, because I too have a sinful heart in need of the Savior’s purifying and empowering work on a daily basis!
Oh friends, how important this category of the heart is for our parenting! Consider your recent patterns in your parenting – are you settling for behaviorism, or are you getting to their hearts?
-Tab
