Thursday Thought for Parents (8.28)

I thought we’d go out of chapter order for this Thursday thought and draw from the very last chapter in Instructing a Child’s Heart.  The chapter is entitled “The Centrality of the Gospel” and builds very helpfully on what we talked about in our recent six14 meeting.  I would strongly encourage every parent to read (and re-read) this chapter until you master its content for your own gospel-centered discipleship of your youth/child.

The opening illustration is telling, isn’t it!  The father becomes exasperated with his teen, lectures his son for a few minutes, and concludes with the Nike slogan:  “Just do it!”  It’s so easy to promote the Nike version of parenting and discipleship.  Their behavior needs to change, so we exhort them to change it.  “Just do it,” we tell them in effect.  Certainly it’s true; they do need to change (repent) when they are sinning.  The question this chapter raises is how we are pointing them to change.  How will they pursue change/growth/discipleship?  What is the pathway of change we’re setting before them?

The Nike approach points them to their own will-power and strength, which will (sooner or later) result in either self-righteousness (if they’re successful in changing to some degree) or discouragement (if they’re not).  The good news of our Savior provides a far superior and far more powerful (and God-glorifying) ‘how’ to which to point them.  And this chapter unpacks some very helpful details of that ‘how’ – they are…

• Cleansing/forgiveness – the good news that “Christ paid the penalty for sins and forgiveness is offered on the basis of payment” (p. 184).

• Internal change – “Only grace can change the heart… God gives a new heart – a heart of flesh (referring to Ezek. 36.26)”  (p. 184).

• Empowerment – “It is not enough for us to know what we ought to do.  God has promised power to enable us to do it (Ezek. 36.27)”  (p. 184).

The Tripps then comment: “Everything we need from God is here – cleansing, forgiveness, radical internal change, and empowerment…  If we are going to amaze them with grace, these truths must be before them at all times”  (p. 185).   And the effect of keeping these truths before them will be genuine, biblically-based, Christ-centered hope for change.  This is far better than the Nike approach, for this approach brings glory to the Savior as it calls us rejoice in and rely on the His finished work!  It also results in real and lasting change.  There is nothing superficial about the change the gospel brings about; it is internal, grace-motivated, and filled with joy.

The Tripps go on (in a statement underlined, starred and bracketed in my book), “One of the important reasons to emphasize grace is that it is a motive to godliness.  As our children see, believe, and embrace the grace of the gospel they are motivated to grow and change” (p. 186, emphasis added).  We can be tempted to think:  “if I focus them on grace, they won’t be compelled to change,” when the exact opposite should be the result.  The gospel, faithfully and effectively applied, results in more motivation to repent, grow, and become more and more like the Savior who purchased us!

They conclude that statement saying, “Our task is to hold up before them the goodness, grace, kindness, mercy and love of God.”  So the question we, as parents, need to ask is:  how consistently and how clearly am I holding up “the goodness, grace, kindness, mercy and love of God” as supremely displayed in the cross of Christ?   Here’s the best way to know: ask your youth for their evaluation.  Ask, “What do I make you more aware of:  the Savior’s forgiveness and power to help you obey, or your requirement (which is real) to obey?”    Where the gospel can be held up more clearly and consistently, we have something to look forward to – both in our lives and in the lives of our youth!

But – one last thought – don’t forget that the same good news applies to us as parents!  There is cleansing, forgiveness, and empowerment for this holy task.  Let none of us wallow in self-pity or discouragement for our failures in this regard.  Let us instead apply the gospel and be motivated by God’s saving and transforming grace ourselves!

-Tab

Girltalk & Homemakers

Yes, it’s true – I read the Girltalk blog. I’m also going to read the book! But (and here’s my defense) I’m doing so because I heard my friend Kenneth Maresco highly recommend both dads and moms read it as an example of parents actively and effectively discipling their teens. To that end, let me encourage you to follow along on Girltalk’s recent series about how to train daughters to be homemakers.  Here’s the first post, for your convenience:

Mom’s Example in the Home

As I promised yesterday, we’re going to talk about how to train our daughters to be homemakers. So many of you asked this question during our Homemaking series, but we ran out of time to talk about it before vacation. We girls have stuff to share on this topic, but as usual, the wisdom is all Mom’s.

Like any aspect of parenting, effective training begins with our example. If we truly prize our role in the home and serve with faithfulness and joy, our daughters cannot fail to notice. Our grandmother Margaret’s example of love for her home was a primary influence in Mom’s life, and we’re so grateful she passed that legacy to us.

On the other hand, our lack of love for the home will also leave an impression. Children are perceptive; they can tell when something is important to us or not. We can’t tell them to make the home a priority if we haven’t first done so ourselves.

Example is essential, but not everything. We also must train our daughters for the most important career of their lifetime. This training begins in earnest in the tween/teen years. So all you mothers of toddlers, you can breathe a sigh of relief. No need to add a homemaking track to your already busy days. Right now it’s all about obedience. As you train your daughter to obey, you are laying a foundation for homemaking training in later years.

But it’s never too early to encourage domestic pursuits…and no doubt, you’ve already noticed your daughter imitate you as you clean or cook or talk on the phone. Encourage her! Buy her a kitchen set! Assign her chores!

A brief aside: don’t try this with sons. Homemaking is what John Angell James calls “a woman’s mission.” Sons have a different career to prepare for. Sure, I make Jack do chores around the house and I’ll teach him to cook Ramen noodles and make his bed. But I want him to learn to kill a lion or a bear. I want to help my husband prepare him to some day provide for and lead a family. He wasn’t created to be a corner pillar (Ps. 144:12) so I’m not trying to fashion him into one. That honor is reserved for my little girl.

Finally, consider, what are your hopes and dreams for your daughter? What do you want her to be when she grows up? If our daughters’ success in the world’s eyes is more important to us than their success in the home, we will fail to impart a biblical perspective. But if we long for our daughters to glorify God as homemakers, then by His grace they’ll catch that vision too.

six14 Recap

What a joy it was to be with each of you last Saturday night!  I am affected every time I stand in front of your youth and behold, to a large degree, the future of this church!  A highlight for me was certainly being in a discussion group with middle school youth and parents, seeing the way in which your youth had interacted with God’s word and were seeking to apply the message they had heard.  What a joy and delight!
After our parent-youth corporate meetings, I will seek to put up on this blog a summary of what we discussed, as well as the suggested “fellowship points” for you as parents and the discussion questions we used in the meeting.  I think that is the advantage of this online format; you don’t have to keep track of lots of paper to follow up on a meeting, but you can have access to points and questions from the meeting at any time.

Please do “continue the conversation” on this topic of gospel-centered discipleship.  Our corporate meetings can’t facilitate real transformation through application; that’s going to happen by God’s grace through your efforts on an ongoing basis.  I would strongly encourage you to set aside a fixed time and place to draw out your youth and cultivate fellowship with them.  These “fellowship points” are only mean to guide your thinking for how you and your youth can pursue fellowship in response to what we discussed on Saturday.  Thank you for discipling your youth in this way!

So, here are the main points and take-aways from our last meeting.

Suggested fellowship points to “continue the conversation”…

• The Encouragement Point (for parents):  As your parent, the areas where I’m most encouraged about your gospel-centered discipleship are… (be as specific as you can)

• The Input Point (for parents):  As your parent, how can I better provide gospel-centered discipleship for you on a regular basis?   For your answer to question #3 (below), how can I help?

• The Evaluation Point (for youth):  As my parent, what is the main way you’d like to see me grow in my gospel-centered discipleship?   What observations or help would you have for me in that area?

Questions we used in discussion groups…

1. What was most encouraging or helpful to you from this message?
2. In your own words, what is gospel-centered discipleship and why is it so important?
3. Of the three elements Mr. Trainor mentioned, which one would you most like to grow in?  Why that particular element?  (please be as specific as possible…)
4. How can you pursue your parent’s help for that particular element?  (i.e. – what do you need to share with them, ask of them, etc. to gain more of their help?)

Main points from the message…

• What is gospel-centered discipleship?   centering our lives on Jesus (in ongoing and increasing ways)
  

• What does it involve?

• believing this gospel
• cherishing this gospel
• applying this gospel to all of life

• Why is it so important?    It’s clearly important to God; he counts this message and its application to our lives to be of ‘first importance.’  And we see its importance in this description of the gospel (adapted from John Piper):  “The love of God sent the Son of God to rescue us from the wrath of God that we might enjoy the glory of God.”

What to Expect at six14

I didn’t get a “Thursday Thought” up yesterday; sorry!  We’ll resume “Thursday Thoughts” next week. However, here’s what is most pressing for us this week: what you can expect (in general) at our six14 meetings for the coming ministry year.

First of all, we plan on typically having some brief game time. This would not be a significant part of the meeting, but I think it could serve two goals: helping to connect parents and youth, allowing us to laugh a bit together as we build relationally together and, two, at times helping to introduce the main point of that evening’s meeting. As I talked with a number of you, it seems that these two goals could serve us.

Second, and more importantly, we plan to have discussion groups following the messages on most evenings which will divide along the lines of high school youth/parent discussion groups and middle school youth/parent discussion groups. The advantage to this approach, as I see it and as I talked with a number of you, is that your youth (and yourself) get to benefit from other youth and parents in understanding and applying the content of what they’re hearing, but they get to do so in a way that addresses the large age span in these meetings (from 6th to 12th grade). So, the purpose for these discussion groups would be as follows…

• HS discussion groups: to allow the youth to review content (at a level appropriate for the high school years) and begin the application process (with us, parents, remembering that it’s only the beginning of the application process, since application and discipleship really happen in an ongoing way through us as parents)

• MS discussion groups: to allow the youth to review content (at a level appropriate for the middle school years) for the reinforcement of comprehension primarily (these could be somewhat shorter discussions, perhaps often 20 minutes or so)

We’ll do our very best to manage the size of those groups to allow all of the youth to participate as fully as possible (with their parents right alongside of them!).

However, I know that some parents have both middle and high school youth and, if both mom and dad are unable to attend, that would present a challenge given that your youth would be in different discussion groups. I understand this challenge (and have wrestled with it for some time now), but I hope it will be helpful knowing that the leader of the discussion group will most certainly come to you (if you weren’t able to be in that particular discussion group) should anything arise in that discussion that you should know about or might have a concern about. I also trust that anything of a particularly sensitive nature would be shared with parents over peers, since that would be most appropriate and since all the youth will be reminded of that on a regular basis.

So, in summary, here’s what the general format of our meetings will often look like…

• 5:30 – doors open, refreshments, drinks served

• 6:14 – meeting begins…

• CONNECT/SING: game and sing 1 to 2 songs

• LEARN: message (with, at times, by some prayer/ministry response)

• DISCUSS: discussion groups

• 8:00 – open gym (for those who want to stay, hang out, etc.)

• 9:00 – everyone clear out of school

If you have any questions about these items, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I know I’ll be learning as we go forward and I look forward to learning from you. I am eagerly anticipating all that our gracious God wishes to do through our meetings, but – much more so – I’m looking forward to all that He’s going to do through you as you continue to disciple your youth!

-Tab

Thursday Thought for Parents (8.14)

Discipline to Disciple – that’s how I would sum up what we see in chapter 6 of Instructing a Child’s Heart (“The Sowing and Reaping Principle of Scripture”), and it provides a helpful balance to the previous chapter on the heart. The Tripps anticipate how we might misunderstand or misapply the teaching on the heart saying: “You might ask then, ‘What role do consequences have in this process? Can I shepherd my child’s heart and still have consequences for behavior? …If the heart is the battleground, then why would I correct external behavior?’” (p. 64). Great questions… and a helpful chapter as a result!

The bottom line involves, as they show us, seeing that appropriate consequences are biblical and necessary and in no way contradict our pursuit of our children’s/youth’s hearts. The Tripps put it well when they say, “Parents, as tangible representatives of God’s authority, must understand and practice biblical consequences rather than the rewards and punishments of behaviorism. The sowing and reaping principle shows the way” (p. 67).  In other words, our children and youth learn a vital lesson about God’s authority through our loving, biblical exercise of authority, as they are taught that “God will not be mocked. A man will reap what he sows” (Gal. 6.7).

They go on to show us two types of consequences: natural consequences and consequences shaped by authorities. It’s through that latter type that our children/youth learn that vital lesson about God’s authority through us. It’s really just recognizing that Ephesians 6.4 still applies, isn’t it! Ephesians 6.4 calls us to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” and the discipline of the Lord will necessarily involve appropriate consequences. But this is discipline to disciple, and that’s the key distinction in my mind. Our aim is to disciple – to train them to know and follow the Savior. The Tripps put it like this: “Consequences must be logical – connected as closely as possible to what has gone wrong. Consequences should truly serve the goals of discipline and correction – to disciple” (p. 71).

They go on to describe the spiritual dimensions under-girding this reality: sowing and reaping. I won’t recap all those dimensions but, needless to say, they were a great reminder to me that I’m always sowing and reaping in my own life! And our children are always sowing and reaping in their own lives, so we must have and teach what they call a “harvest mindset” (that’s worth remembering!). Let me allow them to say it in their own words: “God has so ordained life that there are outcomes that are inevitable. You must learn to live and train your children to live with a ‘harvest mindset.’ They are always sowing and always reaping. This process happens scores of times each day. What children plant today will be harvested tomorrow. ‘Tomorrow’ may be measured by moments or years, but it will come” (p. 66, emphasis added).

Here’s a possible take-away: Consider where your child/youth would most benefit from understanding this principle. Is it in the amount of their media time (video games, etc.) in which this ‘harvest mindset’ might serve them? Is it in how they are relating to your authority? Is it in how they are relating to siblings, or how they view the local church, or how they are currently serving in the church? For that area, review and apply the content of this chapter with them. Then, may the harvest they enjoy be sweet, by God’s powerful grace!

-Tab

Don’t Waste Your Kids

Last week, I listened to a message by Gregg Harris given at Covenant Life Church; the message was part of their “Don’t Waste Your…” series. It’s worth reviewing; you can click here to listen. I particularly appreciated his point about inviting our kids into our lives that they might learn from us in all sorts of situations: running errands, meeting with someone, working on a project, etc. It was a good reminder that everyday life affords us with many teaching environments to seize and utilize.

His point came to mind as I drove home from the Hunts’ house last Sunday afternoon. I had been there for a time of praying for and encouraging Jeffrey before he goes off to college. My 6-year-old son Ryan was with me, as he likes to come to church with me on Sundays and he waits to ride home with me after the meetings. Since I had gone directly from Plank to the Hunts’ house, Ryan came along and sat wonderfully still, listening to Jeffrey being honored and encouraged. What a great opportunity for him to learn, I thought, as I drove home with him.

As we rode together, I asked him if there were any ways he would like to be more like Jeffrey in light of what he heard. He couldn’t remember any specifics (he had listened to quite a bit of encouragement, and was particularly jazzed by the moon-bounce, so I understood). But he did remember one of the teen-aged boys saying how he had sought to be like Jeffrey in certain ways, and that fact stuck with Ryan. And I thought: that’s a good lesson to take away for this afternoon – emulate good examples! We talked about that a bit more, especially about how Jeffrey loves the Savior and why it’s so important for us to do the same.

A small example from a Sunday afternoon, but I was alert to that potential teaching opportunity in light of Gregg Harris’s point to look for such opportunities. You might consider: are there any everyday activities in which you can include your children that would provide a teaching opportunity for them? As the Tripps have pointed out, “life is a classroom;” let’s seize every context in which we might teach them!

Grateful for you!

-Tab

Thursday Thought for Parents (8.7)

We’re up to chapter 5 in Instructing a Child’s Heart, entitled, “Getting to the Heart of Behavior.” Lots of good stuff in this chapter; it’s a loaded one and certainly worthy of review! To break it a down a bit, let’s ask three questions to summarize what we learn here.

What is the heart?

The heart in Scripture essentially involves our thoughts and desires. It’s what we’re thinking and desiring, believing and being motivated by in any and every situation. Our hearts are always at work worshipping something or someone (or Someone!) every moment of our lives.

Why is the heart important?

The Tripps helpfully remind us of Proverbs 4.23 to show us the heart’s importance: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The heart is this wellspring because, as they note, “Our behavior flows from the heart – it isn’t caused by circumstances or other people.” Note what they say there: our behavior is NOT caused by circumstances or other people! That’s a crucial point to understand. We can tend to say, “You made me angry,” but that’s another way of saying, “You caused me to be sinfully angry.” Certainly that other person may have provided a temptation for us to sin in anger, but Scripture clearly teaches that our sinful anger was caused by our hearts – what we were thinking, wanting, believing, craving, or desiring in that moment (see Luke 6.45).

The reason we must bear this in mind is the fact that in parenting it’s very (very, very, very!) easy to focus on behavior rather than on the source of behavior, the heart. Which of us doesn’t want the behavior to change? I want my children’s behavior to change, which it often needs to do. But the Tripps helpfully remind us that if we’re only shooting for behavioral change, then we’re shooting far too low: “We may secure appropriate behavior of our children for the moment through behaviorism (just focusing on curbing the outward behavior), but eventually that behavior will revert to the most natural expression of the abundance of the heart” (p. 56).

Let me give you an illustration from this past Monday.  I was giving my dear bride some extended time to herself (which I try to do every day off – I would encourage this practice dads!) and decided to take the kids to the park. Into the van we go, when my six year old asks if we’re going to the “big park” (off of N. Aurora Rd.), and I replied that I was taking them to the park by the Riverwalk (since I anticipated us walking around downtown Naperville as well). He began to complain about this, and I warned him that if he persisted in his complaints I would need to discipline him. Quite frankly, my only concern was his behavior. I didn’t want to hear his complaining in that moment, so I reminded him of the consequence he would receive if he continued to complain.

As I began driving away I began to see what a poor job of correction and instruction that had been. I was not instructing him with any reference to God’s word, and I was not helping him turn from his complaining in his heart! Mr. Behaviorist was at work, getting his way briefly but failing to effectively instruct my son. By grace, I thought to ask him what Phil. 2.14 says (and with a little prompting, he remembered; “Do all things without grumbling or questioning.”) After reminding him that God doesn’t want him to complain, I asked what he should have instead of a grumbling heart. He got my point and said, “A grateful heart” – and then we talked about what we could give thanks for in that moment (like Daddy taking us to the park!). He then confessed his sin and thanked me for taking him to the park (I could have done much more here by way of thankfulness as well).

Very simple example at a six year old’s level, but I hope that’s a helpful example.  I immediately wanted the behavior to change, not his heart. That doesn’t mean that discipline wouldn’t have been warranted if he continued to complain. It just means that, with any appropriate discipline, I also needed to instruct him – and instruct him at a heart level! Which leads to one more question…

How do we correct with the heart in mind?

Having the heart in view should do two things for us: remind us to point our children to the gospel (for the grace that brings a true heart change – see p. 59), and remind us to correct our children humbly since we too have sinful hearts (see pp. 61-21). I could have done a better job of correcting my son if I had used that opportunity to point him to his need for the Savior – Jesus’ purifying grace and his empowering grace in particular. Keeping the heart in mind will help me do that next time. And, in correcting him, I should have reminded myself that I too complain, because I too have a sinful heart in need of the Savior’s purifying and empowering work on a daily basis!

Oh friends, how important this category of the heart is for our parenting! Consider your recent patterns in your parenting – are you settling for behaviorism, or are you getting to their hearts?

-Tab

Dealing with Parental Guilt

I once heard John Piper talk about the viper that the guilt over parental sin can be for us. It is a viper in that the guilt of sin related to parenting can sting worse than that of many other sins, since the consequences of that sin can directly affect the children we love with all of our hearts.

We certainly want to be responsive to the Spirit’s gracious convicting work and take all parental sin seriously that we might grow in grace and serve our children well. However, I am also concerned that parental guilt not be the paralyzing viper that it can be. So, having responded to the Spirit and acknowledged our sin in light of his gracious, convicting work, how can we defang this viper? I would suggest two ways.

First, we must remember that God has made our children to be very resilient (thankfully so!), which should provide hope for us in and of itself. They aren’t marred for life by our failings as a parent. Second, and even more importantly, we must remember to aggressively apply the gospel to all of our parental sin. There is simply no other way to defang the viper than by daily looking to and trusting in the finished work of our Savior. To help us do that, I want to encourage you to remember the glory of the gospel that we’ve seen recently in the book of Hebrews.

• In Hebrews 8, we saw the superior promise of our superior priest, such that (in Christ) God will “remember our sins no more” – a powerful promise indeed! Won’t we need that promise on a daily basis as parents?! (Listen to the message on Hebrews 8 here.)

• In Hebrews 9.1-14, we saw the superior sacrifice of our superior priest, such that we can now know a “purified conscience.” That means, through the finished work of your Savior, you can confidently draw near to his throne of grace for mercy towards parental guilt and grace for fresh parental empowering! (Listen to the message on Hebrews 9.1-14 here.)

• In Hebrews 9.15-28, we saw the three “appearings” of Jesus that bring us to God (present, past and future) which call us to accept no substitutes for the gospel. (Listen to the message on Hebrews 9.15-28 here.)

And one more recommendation: CJ Mahaney’s brief thoughts on applying the gospel to this issue are worthy of reviewing many, many times! See the six14 blog post from 7.11.2008 or click here to access the audio clip of CJ talking about the gospel and parental sin.

May we as parents fight for faith in justification by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, that we might have faith toward God for the task of parenting.

So grateful for you and for the finished work of our Savior giving us faith and hope for the holy task of parenting!

-Tab